Wednesday 26 August 2009

Date: from the first moment I saw you, four years ago, until now, and ever. (17/8/09)

To you; for you, you, you;
The breath in my lungs, the beat in my heart, the dreams in my sleep and my sun in the day.

I haven't spoken to you in almost a month, I think.
Time has become fluid, meaningless. It has passed though, for what else does time do?
I still do not know why you broke up with me. I've reached a certain level of peace with myself and with you. Let me sat this: I love you, as much as I ever did, and possibly as much as I ever will.
You don't feel the same, you have fallen out of love with me, you say. But that is ok.
My life was enriched beyond measure by having you in it, as was my heart.
I have important news. I can say with full honesty and belief, that i love myself. I thought that I would never arrive at that point, but i have.
I deleted your number, all 1,313 text messages that you sent me, I deleted all your photos. Not out of hatred or spite, but out of necessity. It was the only way that I could achieve closure that was badly needed.

I didn't thik of you for a while, as I had to think of myself. It helped. But you were, (and are), always in my heart and soul, and there, to some degree, you always shall be.

I feel no malice or ill-will towards you. Anything but these.Because those things would eat me, consume me. I desire that someday we will talk again, I believe that that day will come, but only once we are both ready.

"Like a vision she dances across the porch,
As the radio plays ....
Roy Orbison sings "For the lonely"
Thats me and I want you only..."

Words so insufficient, but yet so fitting.

Do you remember our time in Dublin? Looks of love, excitement at getting to know each other? Our flight to New Jersey?
Our lovemaking; beautiful and wondrous each time?
I looked back on all these things and every moment together with joy and a tinge of sadness.
Now, the sadness is gone. I revel in the fact that you were such a huge part of my life. You always will be, near or far, you are my Estragon, I am your Vladimir.

As always, I would talk/write forever. To what end? You, my love, my friend, my soulmate, are forever inside my soul.
Each particle of me reaches to you, every fibre yearns for you, each tear falls for you. And for me. And for what could have been, and what was.

Soulmate: My soul loves yours.

It's funny, it may not seem so due to the contents of this letter, but I am "over you" as much as I could ever be.

You are the Best Thing that ever happened to me, and I will sit, with love and fond memories and a bright blue rose, waiting outside The Auld Dubliner, Curly's and wherever else the wind takes my soul, waiitng, once more, for a simple twist of fate.

Yours, thine, mine; Ours.

Saturday 22 August 2009

My dearest, sweetest, brightest Angel,

My dearest, sweetest, brightest Angel,

I have loved you for years and years and I think I loved you before I even met you, I needed to be loved by you, to love you and you needed to love me and be loved by me and we did find each other to love for years, what were the chances? But find each other we did, love we did, learn we did and lose we did. But not all is lost, I still love you and will always hold that precious in my heart and I know, even though you are far away from me in your mind, that you will also hold our love precious in your heart. The loss of each other nearly destroyed us, it was emotional and spiritual and near physical amputation.

I am changed forever by our love, I now know it’s possible, I deserve to be loved in that way, I can give love in that way, if you had not loved me as you did, when you did, I would not have known and I would have been the poorer for that. I am rich now with love, even though it is not your love that I feel around me anymore, it is my own love for myself and the lingering memory of how you loved me that rests gently on my shoulders.

I didn’t know, really know real love before I was loved by you and loved you, how could I? I had never known unconditional love before, I had never been loved unconditionally, I didn’t know what it felt like, I didn’t believe I could be loved like that, I didn’t believe it was possible, it wasn’t even in my imagination. I was born into and lived in such abuse, it tore the soul from me, tore the heart from me and left me with nothing but anger and bile and rage. But you loved me, no matter what I said or didn’t say, no matter what I did or didn’t do, you just continued to love me until I believed it, it took me years and you kept patiently waiting for me to understand.

But the irony was, my love, that the love you showed me, the love you gave me, you were unable to give yourself. The gentleness you showed me, you were unable to show yourself. The beauty, trust, and faith you showed in me and us, you were unable to allow yourself. You just couldn’t take that leap of faith needed in yourself to face your own fears and demons, as you had loved me to do. They stayed alive within you and they stay there still. They rage in you, they feed off your pain; they sup from the well of sadness within you. I tried, so hard, with all I had, to show you that it was possible, that change was possible, but your defences were too firm, too rigid, too old and deep, and your fear held too tight a grip on you for you to allow them down, to allow me into the intimate places within yourself that I had allowed you into in me.

You loved me to the point of knowing I deserved a full and complete loving and intimate relationship, one however, that you were just unable to give me, one we were unable to sustain. That is a deep sadness I will carry with me, along with the joy of that precious love, to the end of my days.

You are so beautiful, so precious, so light, so bright, so pure, you are made of love as I have told you many times. Please my love, for yourself, turn that love inwards, and find the strength and courage somewhere within yourself to heal your hurts. You deserve so much love, you deserve joy, peace and bliss and I want you to have it no matter whom it’s with because I love you now and always will.


There are many to forgive.

My mother, you gave birth to me, did not love me well but you did your best with what you had in your mind and heart and soul, it wasn’t good enough but I forgive you. You left me, gave me to others who hurt me, but you thought it was the right thing to do, you didn’t know they’d hurt me and because of that I forgive you. You returned more than 30 years later hoping to find my arms open, I thought they would be too, but you wanted me to make a Sophie’s Choice, I did chose, but not you. It was me who then had to say goodbye to you. I forgive you for asking me to make Sophie’s Choice, it was all you knew to do, your fear made you ask me to make that choice, I understand that and I forgive you for it. I hope your life brings you peace of mind and peace in your heart and soul. I give you my love and forgiveness.

My next family;
My father, you hurt me over and over and over again, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, you scared me for years, what you did led to addictions, dysfunction, abusive relationships in later life, so much damage in me, damage that I spread in ripples from myself out into the lives of others. You are not well, you are ill; you are, I think, a paedophile. My father is a paedophile – it took me many years to be able to say that. You see nothing wrong, still, with what you did and your family protects you and rejects me. Because you are not well I forgive you, I can feel compassion for the soul inside you that is struggling with what you struggle with and I know, as I live and breathe, that your journey of pain will not end with this life, your soul will continue on in pain and you will learn from what you have done. I forgive you for hurting me, knowingly hurting me, causing our family to fall apart, for being ill and unwell. I give you my love and forgiveness.

My mother, you knew something wasn’t right, you knew I was an upset child, I think you knew in the back of your mind that your husband was doing things to me that no one should do to a child, but you didn’t want to see. Your guilt sent you towards God and away from human relationships because you felt He was your only refuge, the reality of human emotion, the human emotion in our family was just too much, the pain, the anger, the hurt, the betrayal – all too much for you. You gladly let me go, you did not pursue me when I left you all behind, you did not mother me, you allowed me deal with my pain and my hurt alone, unmothered, again. But, I forgive you. You have done your best with what you have within you, you are able for no more, I know you feel in your darkest moments the pain of it, I know you carry it with you to your God and it is your cross. I give you my love and forgiveness.

My siblings, you have also allowed me walk away from you all in your blinkered blindness, you have let me go because to have me near is to be reminded of your failings, to be reminded that you have a paedophile in your midst and around your children. The social workers came, they asked the questions and they watched and I left then knowing I had done all I could to stop it, all I could to protect the little ones around him but you turned your backs on me again and left me alone, again. You have all done what you can live with, I don’t know what thoughts and feelings pass through you in the dark of night when you can’t sleep, but I hope you can forgive yourselves and not carry these pains forward into the next generation. I miss you all in your own way and I miss the, unknown to me, lives of my nieces and nephews but I trust in life that they are OK. I give you my love and forgiveness.

Most of all I forgive myself; I forgive myself for continuing the damage done to me as a child, for abusing myself with drugs and alcohol, I forgive myself for perpetuating the abuse in allowing strangers take advantage of me. I forgive myself for not being able to have mature, intimate relationships, with anyone until my mid 20s. I forgive myself for not beginning to heal my hurts until in my early 20s. I forgive myself for messing up friendships and relationships, for lying to people and using them. I forgive myself for abusing my body in extreme ways. I forgive myself for all the damage I did to myself because all I felt I was made of and all I felt I was worth was painful damage. I forgive myself for taking nearly 40 years to feel like a whole, functional, deserving of love, peaceful and at peace person.

I give myself my love and forgiveness.

Sunday 9 August 2009

There is post....

"Dear to my heart,

Sometimes I still wonder about us. I found myself crossing the Millennium bridge on Friday night because I thought I saw you in the middle of it walking south. I tried to catch up, I walked across the street to the crossroads of Temple Bar and looked up and down the street to see if it was really you. I still don't know if it was or not. And I guess if it had have been you, your long legs would have been no match for my short ones. And I wondered why I didn't call out your name, shout it across the busy Friday night streets? I wondered if I was too scared that it was really you and I wondered if I did meet you again what I might say? Maybe nothing. Maybe we exist outside of conversation, apart from the social musings and things you say to people you haven't seen for a decade. Maybe if I spoke to you, you wouldn't be you any more, or I wouldn't be me. The me you know, the me you helped to create. But then, also, alongside all of those thoughts, I really wanted to see you, to see your face up close and to hear your voice and see you smile at me, again. It's been too long and I think about you too often for it to be nothingness. For us to exist in the nothingness. But that's where we sprang from, and that's where we are. That's where I know I love you. In the nothingness of us.

I write because I don't want to not record that moment. That moment when I thought I saw you and was glad. And I write because some how I feel you will feel me if I write it down. That's how it always was, that's how it still is. We were always words on a page, and the reality in the flesh was never meant to be, only briefly.

Only briefly flesh, the rest was ink and paper criss crossing the land, what can I say to express that? Nothing. I know it. You know what you know and we know some things together. We have not met in the flesh for a decade. We may never meet again. But I hear you in the sea, and sometimes, I can fly.

Sorry, sorry from my heart xxx