AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL THE PEOPLE I FORGIVE

There are many to forgive.

My mother, you gave birth to me, did not love me well but you did your best with what you had in your mind and heart and soul, it wasn’t good enough but I forgive you. You left me, gave me to others who hurt me, but you thought it was the right thing to do, you didn’t know they’d hurt me and because of that I forgive you. You returned more than 30 years later hoping to find my arms open, I thought they would be too, but you wanted me to make a Sophie’s Choice, I did chose, but not you. It was me who then had to say goodbye to you. I forgive you for asking me to make Sophie’s Choice, it was all you knew to do, your fear made you ask me to make that choice, I understand that and I forgive you for it. I hope your life brings you peace of mind and peace in your heart and soul. I give you my love and forgiveness.

My next family;
My father, you hurt me over and over and over again, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, you scared me for years, what you did led to addictions, dysfunction, abusive relationships in later life, so much damage in me, damage that I spread in ripples from myself out into the lives of others. You are not well, you are ill; you are, I think, a paedophile. My father is a paedophile – it took me many years to be able to say that. You see nothing wrong, still, with what you did and your family protects you and rejects me. Because you are not well I forgive you, I can feel compassion for the soul inside you that is struggling with what you struggle with and I know, as I live and breathe, that your journey of pain will not end with this life, your soul will continue on in pain and you will learn from what you have done. I forgive you for hurting me, knowingly hurting me, causing our family to fall apart, for being ill and unwell. I give you my love and forgiveness.

My mother, you knew something wasn’t right, you knew I was an upset child, I think you knew in the back of your mind that your husband was doing things to me that no one should do to a child, but you didn’t want to see. Your guilt sent you towards God and away from human relationships because you felt He was your only refuge, the reality of human emotion, the human emotion in our family was just too much, the pain, the anger, the hurt, the betrayal – all too much for you. You gladly let me go, you did not pursue me when I left you all behind, you did not mother me, you allowed me deal with my pain and my hurt alone, unmothered, again. But, I forgive you. You have done your best with what you have within you, you are able for no more, I know you feel in your darkest moments the pain of it, I know you carry it with you to your God and it is your cross. I give you my love and forgiveness.

My siblings, you have also allowed me walk away from you all in your blinkered blindness, you have let me go because to have me near is to be reminded of your failings, to be reminded that you have a paedophile in your midst and around your children. The social workers came, they asked the questions and they watched and I left then knowing I had done all I could to stop it, all I could to protect the little ones around him but you turned your backs on me again and left me alone, again. You have all done what you can live with, I don’t know what thoughts and feelings pass through you in the dark of night when you can’t sleep, but I hope you can forgive yourselves and not carry these pains forward into the next generation. I miss you all in your own way and I miss the, unknown to me, lives of my nieces and nephews but I trust in life that they are OK. I give you my love and forgiveness.

Most of all I forgive myself; I forgive myself for continuing the damage done to me as a child, for abusing myself with drugs and alcohol, I forgive myself for perpetuating the abuse in allowing strangers take advantage of me. I forgive myself for not being able to have mature, intimate relationships, with anyone until my mid 20s. I forgive myself for not beginning to heal my hurts until in my early 20s. I forgive myself for messing up friendships and relationships, for lying to people and using them. I forgive myself for abusing my body in extreme ways. I forgive myself for all the damage I did to myself because all I felt I was made of and all I felt I was worth was painful damage. I forgive myself for taking nearly 40 years to feel like a whole, functional, deserving of love, peaceful and at peace person.

I give myself my love and forgiveness.