Saturday 22 August 2009

My dearest, sweetest, brightest Angel,

My dearest, sweetest, brightest Angel,

I have loved you for years and years and I think I loved you before I even met you, I needed to be loved by you, to love you and you needed to love me and be loved by me and we did find each other to love for years, what were the chances? But find each other we did, love we did, learn we did and lose we did. But not all is lost, I still love you and will always hold that precious in my heart and I know, even though you are far away from me in your mind, that you will also hold our love precious in your heart. The loss of each other nearly destroyed us, it was emotional and spiritual and near physical amputation.

I am changed forever by our love, I now know it’s possible, I deserve to be loved in that way, I can give love in that way, if you had not loved me as you did, when you did, I would not have known and I would have been the poorer for that. I am rich now with love, even though it is not your love that I feel around me anymore, it is my own love for myself and the lingering memory of how you loved me that rests gently on my shoulders.

I didn’t know, really know real love before I was loved by you and loved you, how could I? I had never known unconditional love before, I had never been loved unconditionally, I didn’t know what it felt like, I didn’t believe I could be loved like that, I didn’t believe it was possible, it wasn’t even in my imagination. I was born into and lived in such abuse, it tore the soul from me, tore the heart from me and left me with nothing but anger and bile and rage. But you loved me, no matter what I said or didn’t say, no matter what I did or didn’t do, you just continued to love me until I believed it, it took me years and you kept patiently waiting for me to understand.

But the irony was, my love, that the love you showed me, the love you gave me, you were unable to give yourself. The gentleness you showed me, you were unable to show yourself. The beauty, trust, and faith you showed in me and us, you were unable to allow yourself. You just couldn’t take that leap of faith needed in yourself to face your own fears and demons, as you had loved me to do. They stayed alive within you and they stay there still. They rage in you, they feed off your pain; they sup from the well of sadness within you. I tried, so hard, with all I had, to show you that it was possible, that change was possible, but your defences were too firm, too rigid, too old and deep, and your fear held too tight a grip on you for you to allow them down, to allow me into the intimate places within yourself that I had allowed you into in me.

You loved me to the point of knowing I deserved a full and complete loving and intimate relationship, one however, that you were just unable to give me, one we were unable to sustain. That is a deep sadness I will carry with me, along with the joy of that precious love, to the end of my days.

You are so beautiful, so precious, so light, so bright, so pure, you are made of love as I have told you many times. Please my love, for yourself, turn that love inwards, and find the strength and courage somewhere within yourself to heal your hurts. You deserve so much love, you deserve joy, peace and bliss and I want you to have it no matter whom it’s with because I love you now and always will.

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